some warmth on a cold decisiony day

some warmth on a cold decisiony day As Im sure those of you to whom this post is relevant will not need to be reminded, it is that time of year: the time when tensions run high, decisions are coming soon, and everyone is hella stressed. (In case you missed it, which Im pretty sure you didnt, MIT EA comes out this Saturday at 12.15 pm.) Last year, this was me and funnily enough, although the beginning of this semester feels like a blurry, faded memory from years ago, I remember the week of EA decisions01 Note: it wasnt MIT I was waiting on... but thats a story for another time. vividly, as though its only been a month. I knew I would be nervous when the time came, because who wouldnt be? My usual defense in this kind of situation (aka any kind of situation) is to make lots of plans, so I had em ready in spades: I imagined, as realistically as I could, how it would feel to be rejected so that the emotion wouldnt come as a shock. I told my parents that I wanted to open my decision alone so we could get the argument out of the way in advance. I googled for various rejection letters so that I would be able to recognize mine immediately and wouldnt have to keep reading as my stomach sank. I decided on a restaurant to go to (a fancy,  really  good dessert place), which would be a consolation or a celebration as needed. I thought all these plans would be enough,02 BTW, if you think this is kind of extra, ask Elissa what she did before her decision! and they were, for the day of. I felt way less stressed than I thought and the whole thing went off really smoothly. BUT: I hadnt thought at all about how I would feel in the days leading up to the decision. And dear reader, I was super rekt. Consciously, I was dealing with it: I tried to occupy my attention with other things, like all the extracurriculars Id overcommitted to, and tell myself that everything would be fine (which was true). But subconsciously, nothing helped. I just felt awful and I felt sabotaged by my body, which refused to obey my mind. The day before decisions came out, I had a full day of school; afterwards, I had planned to split my time between two extracurriculars. On my way to the first one, I realized I just couldnt do it. I didnt want to do anything; I wanted to crawl into a hole and never emerge. I flagged down one of my co-presidents, told them I was feeling sick, and headed to my other extracurricular, where I proceeded to sit on the ground for an hour and then go home. At home, the first thing I did was collapse on my couch and burrow under two blankets. I had a lot of work to do that night, according to my to-do list, but I didnt manage to do any of it. Instead, my mom came and sat next to me, and we did New York Times crosswords from under my blanket heap. I survived that night, and the ton of missed work I had to deal with afterwards, but man, it really sucked. My mom helped,03 shoutout to my parents, the real heroes of any story Im in the blankets helped, and the crosswords helped but ultimately what I needed was to just cut myself some slack. I could have forced myself to go to both extracurriculars and pretend I felt great, but I probably wouldve felt even worse by the time I got home. Some days, you just cant do it, and its not a negative reflection on you that you cant always be running at 100%. Some days, you need two or three or five blankets and to lie on the couch for eight hours, and while thats not a great plan for every day, it can be incredibly rejuvenating when used correctly. In fact, this seems to be the answer to many more things in life than I would have expected: in your first semester of college and cant figure out why you keep forgetting things you never did in high school, like turning in psets? Cut yourself some slack (and if you send a polite and apologetic email to your professor, they probably will too). In your not-first semester and tired of 17-hour days? Cut yourself some slack and drop a class (three cheers for Afeefah for being able to make the leap!) This can be super hard like,  super  hard, which is maybe why I was so overcommitted for that rough senior year. For driven people, for perfectionists, for those who like to keep themselves busy,04 Not to @ literally every MIT student it rankles to have to take time off when you feel like you shouldnt need to. But Ive been learning there are some things you cant fight, like the fact that there are only 24 hours in the day and that sometimes, your body will tell you  were done now, and you will have to listen. I have very vivid bad memories from that week exactly one year ago, but I also have good ones and theyre not of my decision, but of the time I got to spend with my family. ((Brief tangent: at another schools CPW equivalent, I attended a panel with current freshmen as panellists. A prefrosh asked them to name one thing they wished theyd done more the summer before college. One guys answer, which lowkey brought tears to my eyes, was hugged my mother more. Its so true and now that I cant hug my parents every day, I wish Id stocked up before I left.)) In the end, I didnt end up going to that school, or even really liking it that much. My EA decision had no impact on my long-term future, despite how it affected my life that month. That doesnt mean that I shouldnt have felt the way I did, but it adds another level of perspective. I can no longer remember my senior year grades, what exactly was planned for the extracurriculars I didnt show up to that day, or even, sort of, why I thought I would fit well at that school. But I remember the good parts where I made myself happier, and thats all that Ill carry forward with me. To all of you: I have no doubt that you will get through this time to the fantastic senior spring on the other side, and beyond, to the future filled with awesome stuff and learning that is waiting for you no matter what. But for now, dont feel like you have to pretend that everything is just fine. Take time for yourself and the people you love, and for blankets or cocoa or whatever makes you feel warm inside. Youve made it this far, and that means really, it does it means you deserve it. 3 Note: it wasn't MIT I was waiting on... but that's a story for another time. back to text ? BTW, if you think this is kind of extra, ask Elissa what she did before her decision! back to text ? shoutout to my parents, the real heroes of any story I'm in back to text ? Not to @ literally every MIT student back to text ?